Finding My Own Way

I guess when you're little, you spend a good part of your life trying to find your way without even realizing it. You try to find where you fit in among others. You try to determine how others fit you in and figure out if there's a difference. And if you're really ambitious (or think too much as was in my case) you attempt to discover how your place in a community could look when you grow up and how you as an incapable, less listened to piece of that puzzle can possibly do anything big enough or with enough determination that might you could possibly affect that goal in any direction. You have to take control when nothing lies within those boundaries.

I knew I had to look after my brother. That was very clear, very early. He was so small. Despite the fact that he was a boy and the youngest of us (the children of my parents) two attributes that should have and did provide him great favor and autonomy at times, he sometimes received favor or attention of a different type that wasn't entirely positive. That's as civil as I can be about it.

I should say that those times were not consistent.

For a time, I thought I wanted to be a ballerina. Everyone in my circle of wise seven year-old advisers told me I should become an Artist. I preferred any profession where I would be allowed to wear Tulle, Chiffon, Satin, Sequins, Ribbons, Heels or anything extremely feminine, would have been good. Today, I'm glad my parents never took me to a Circus. Who knows where I'd be today? This costume was SO incredibly scratchy. But I gladly suffered, because in it, I thought I was beautiful. And, everyone would believe I was graceful, which if you know me, is the last quality I could be guilty of possessing.

Maybe I just loved to dress up. I still have this costume. You know what? I wish it still fit! Our neighbors, Ed and Shirley Connor brought it back to me all the way from Hawaii. I remember seeing their 'PanAm' carry on bag that they were given as part of their flight. Can you imagine? The airline gave away canvas travel bags! What other social souvenirs were available? It looked a little bit like a bowling ball carrier. But it was cool and somehow I knew inherently that I would NEVER get one. Air travel - at least commercially - was simply too extravagant. Somehow, it wasn't humble enough to be allowed to permeate the culture of our family.

No matter the occasion, I realize today that I was finding my way without knowing it. I was a girl, I loved sparkles, sandals and being a girl, but I also just adored work. I like the types of jobs that my brother should have liked, but honestly didn't. So, being the logical child that I was. I put them together. I simply couldn't understand why these two activities might have to be mutually exclusive. I wore my new sandals in the sandbox. I dug trenches in my ruffly swimsuit. I mowed the grass on fall days in my favorite outfit (a red and white halter top and matching cropped pants) which was strictly for summer even though it was so cold outside and the required accompanying coat buried my sophistication.  Do you remember those plastic princess shoe and tiara sets that used to be sold in dime stores? Yeah . . . those were all me - while I was fishing leeches and tadpoles out of the ditch to keep in jars on the front porch. They lasted about a day and an half before the heels broke. But I was determined to make then work for steep grades, mud and algae-infested water. I just kept on buying new ones.

I never wore this dress anywhere. I just wanted to make it. I saw the pattern at the fabric store and that was that. It was pretty and I needed it - just to know that it was there was enough. Some things never change. You still can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. If you try - you end up looking like a sow's ear in a silk purse. (See photo at left.)