The Impossible Test

I haven't written for a while. I couldn't. Not that I didn't want to - I simply couldn't. I was paralyzed in disappointment. Stymied by the indecision that too much stress creates. Still, I'm not sure if I can, but I have to do something. July is painful. The month approaches with the sort of anticipation that some people experience when they know that they're about to have major surgery - one with a particularly treacherous recovery that some piece of them won't survive. No matter how I try to prepare, no matter what types of tasks I plan in an attempt to distract myself or how many activities or day planners I fill with meaningless chores to occupy my time . . . during July, my life is as close to miserable and tentative as it can get. It's sheer nauseous drudgery.
Every year I prepare. I brace myself - and it's never enough.
Almost immediately the analytical me comes running to the rescue to try and put back the pieces of my Humpty-Dumpty self. How did this happen? Was there anything that could have prevented this (I might be able to use it next time)? Boy, I didn't see that one coming!
Have you ever taken one of those computer tests where every time you get an answer wrong you have to start the entire test over from the beginning?- filling in all the correct answers over and over (until you have them memorized) simply so that you can get to the part where you don't know what you're doing anymore and you eventually fail - again?
Is it the part where we achieve a state of failure that we keep seeking? Or is it the hope that we might eventually NOT fail and pass through the hell (or finish the test) that keeps us running towards failure? It seems backwards.
The agony of July is always part familiar ache and part new-forms of 'sad' or 'lonely' or 'bored' or 'anxious' - or a composite of all of the previous.
This year it was, "Good bye Mom. See you in a month." I knew this one was coming.. It comes every year and is the foundation of the whole awfulness sandwich of July.
The next part, "I know you have nothing to do, but I don't have time to care about you right now" was a surprise. Well, partly. I'm used to having to write my own script, but I'm not used to being the whole damn theater company. I didn't know I was going to have to build the stage too.
The next part - I probably could have guessed. It's so 'Corporate America'. It went like this, "I know that this isn't your job and we gave you absolutely no support, but you're responsible for it and by the way - you did it all wrong" Hmmm . . . This one doesn't even bother me that much. It just annoys me.
The one I really didn't see coming was, "No, we're not friends. I've just been pretending for the past few years" Uchh!!"  I'm speechless. I'm so entirely confused. I'm astonished at the depth of carelessness. I'm even more surprised at my personal naivete - despite that I've know it was a part of me forever. My capacity to perceive situations in their most pleasant state astounds even me. I'm far too gullible. I should have seen that one coming, but I scold myself for it none the less - because I didn't - again.
The best part is that the month is only slightly more than half over and I know there's more to come.
I have,  "Oh, was it your birthday? - Sorry! I forgot all about you" lurking just around the second corner. I have just about as much capacity within my control to avoid running into that one as does a Bobsled pilot with no brakes. Again, I re-brace myself and wait. I try to imagine what it would feel like to avoid it. I play with the idea of a happy day where people remember and for one day - I'm important enough.
Every year it's the same and every year I'm clueless as to how to handle it. I suppose because none of my strategies have worked so far. Nothing really helps me cope with July.

My Chinese Zodiac calendar says that I will have only two favorable months out of the twelve that make up this year. It also says that I need to handle them gracefully or risk making matters worse. All this and I can't even get mad? Can I scheme? Can I plot revenge? Can I bide my time? Can I be patient an calculating?
It's the Impossible Test.